Our first day of trial was quickly approaching, and I had to decide quickly whether I wanted to settle. It was becoming pretty clear that this is what my husband was shooting for, although he was incapable of agreeing to reasonable terms. The thought of losing control must have been killing him.

Nevertheless we scheduled another day in court so that we can put the terms we already agreed to on the record in front of the judge. At this point we were fighting over small details and it looked like a settlement was possible, and even probable.

I had many mixed emotions about settling on the proposed terms. My daughter’s father accused me of sexually abusing my daughter, took her away from me, never payed for anything, and wasted a year of everyone’s life and nerves. Not to mention I was a few hundred thousand dollars in. He would have no consequences for this. In fact, he would basically end up at the same point he would have been if none of this happened. Should I be happy?

Apparently with the current state of the US family court system I should be ecstatic. Anyone is free to make up whatever lies they want and file any number of motions. In cases of child abuse there is almost always an investigation, and often times the child temporarily gets taken away from the accused parent. This is not a marker of guilt, but instead a process of erring on the side of caution. Although deadlines are put on these investigations, they are not enforced. In my case the investigation went two times longer than the 4 month deadline, totaling 8 months. There was no mention in the conclusion on whether the whole thing was made up. It was simply stated that I was a good mother and he was a good father. The fact that I got back to where I should have been in the beginning was considered a huge win since I managed to do so without emptying out my retirement accounts and completely losing my mind.

Our day in court started out the night before. Since we were scheduled to be there at 9:30am I asked my daughter’s nanny to take her to school that day so I wouldn’t be rushed. As a precaution, my lawyer sent an email to my husband’s attorney letting him know that the drop-off would be done by the nanny. The night before court I received the following email:

Hi Paulina,

My attorneys have made me aware you have a conflict in dropping off our daughter at school tomorrow morning. Please have her ready by 8am and I will pick her up and take her to school.

What the fuck was he talking about? He was going to court too. After regaining my composure I sent the following reply:

Thanks for the offer, but no need. I’ll make sure our daughter gets to school on time

It didn’t end there.

Hi Paulina,

Who is taking our daughter to school then, if you are not?

I didn’t answer. This was followed up by a series of text messages asking the same questions. I went to sleep. In the morning I was greeted by another email:

Good Morning Paulina,

I am following up on both my email and text of which I never received a response.  Can you please get back to me?

At this point I was pissed. He received the following response from me:

Good morning,

I did get back to you and you did receive a response. Please stop harassing me and trying to bully me. You are taking time away from my daughter. See you at 9:30

At this point the texts and emails stopped. I got dressed, wished my daughter a good day at school, and was whisked off to court in a fancy car provided by my lawyer. I really appreciated how he tried to make this whole experience slightly less horrible for me. About 30 minutes later I received a text from my nanny letting me know that she ran into my husband’s son outside of school right after she dropped my daughter off. Apparently he had to “give something” to my daughter.

I’m still not sure what my husband was trying to accomplish. Did he seriously not get the message that the nanny was taking her? One thing I know for sure is that it had nothing to do with my daughter’s best interest.

We arrived at court a few minutes before 9:30. My husband and his lawyer were already there.

“Let’s go around the corner so you don’t have to look at him,” my lawyer whispered. I actually didn’t mind. It brought me a lot of satisfaction to stare at him while he stared at his phone. There was no better admission of guilt.

After a few minutes the two opposing attorneys joined forces and went in the courtroom to ask the judge for a final few minutes with the mediator to iron out the last couple of details we didn’t agree on. I went to sit on the same bench as my husband and was greeted by a pretty girl with a smile sitting near him. We looked at each other with understanding and I instantly knew we were there for the same reason. Although I had no idea where her divorce went wrong, it gave me comfort to know that I wasn’t alone.

After a long half hour of rotating between staring at my phone and the wall, I look up to see the mediator walk right in front of me. I attempted a weak smile, but he didn’t even acknowledge my presence. Was this some weird court procedure I wasn’t aware of? I shrugged it off and kept waiting.

After another 15 minutes our lawyers came out with the look of vigor on their faces. They were granted time with the mediator and were full speed ahead in looking for him.

“I just saw him walk that way, but he didn’t even look at me,” I told them both.

“You saw him? Which way did he go?” my husbands lawyer demanded.

I pointed in the mediator’s direction. “That way.”

“You must have been too beautiful for him to look at.” The old man smiled slyly at me and held his hands up in defense.

Was this guy fucking serious?? I had enough.

“From child abuser to beautiful person?? How things change!!!”, I hissed.

He looked back at me with amusement in his eyes and his shoulders shrugged ever so slightly. He knew the whole time the whole thing was a lie. Things had gotten to a point where it was impossible for him to defend my husband with a straight face. He had to side with us. He had no choice.

While my husband’s attorney went to look for the mediator I sat with my lawyer.

“Paulina, he actually told the judge that him and his client don’t see eye to eye… and the judge told him he’s not letting him out of this one now!”

Apparently a lawyer can’t simply get out of a case if they don’t get paid. They have to file a motion to the court and the judge has to grant it.

Things were definitely looking up.

After some time the mediator finally appeared and took the 2 attorneys in a room near the judge’s chambers. The wall was glass and I watched the 3 men argue about my daughter’s future for what felt like an eternity.

When my lawyer finally came out he had a relieved look on his face.

“Everything’s fine. They’re gonna give you residential custody and they just want one small thing in return.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

The mediator came out. “Do you need me for anything else?”

“No.” my lawyer answered

“I actually want to bring my client in for a few minutes,” his lawyer interjected.

What? Why does he need to bring my husband in if they agreed on everything?

The 3 men spent another eternity sitting in the room. I could see my husband through the glass. He didn’t look happy and was not saying much. It became apparent that his attorney did not yet discuss these terms with his client. He had had enough of him and only brought him in to let him know what was decided in front of the mediator. He just wanted to get this case done and was not interested in my husband’s push-back.

“It makes me nervous that they’re still in there,” my lawyer said after about 15 minutes. But for some reason I was calm. I didn’t see what could go wrong now.

A few more minutes later yelling erupted in the glass room. Was it possible?? My husband’s attorney was shouting at him in front of the mediator! At that point I knew – there was no turning back from ending this. It was done.

After one more instance of catching my husband getting screamed at, it was time to go inside the courtroom and lock in our agreement in front of the judge. The four of us and the mediator walked into an empty courtroom and sat on the bench in front of an empty judge’s seat. As the guard was about to call in the judge the arguing resumed. My lawyer, his lawyer, and my husband were going at it. I looked over the security guard to see if he was going to do anything, but he just stood quietly. They were still disagreeing about a final point in the custody agreement that was actually very important to me since it was related to my daughter’s medical care. He wanted to keep the same nurse that he bullied during my daughter’s doctor’s visit, and I did not. He clearly wanted her to be the treating doctor since he had already screamed in front of her once, and it was very likely that he could do it again. I did not appreciate her seeing a nurse practitioner who could not stand up for herself.

Eventually both of the attorneys grew tired of the argument and told the guard they were ready. The judge was called in. I cannot fully explain the look on his face when he observed the four of us. It was like he was thinking this…

… but with a straight face.

After the usual introductions the judge began to speak.

“I know I saw counsel earlier and you indicated that you were hoping to meet with the mediator one more time to iron out some final differences and apparently, that’s taken place?”

“Yes. After significant discussion between the parties and significant work, we have gotten finally to agreement, I believe, judge”, the mediator answered.

As my lawyer opened his mouth to speak, my husband’s lawyer stood up, cleared his throat, and began to recite a speech in a manner reminiscent to the delivery of the inaugural address.

“I would like to thank our mediator unconditionally for his efforts and I would like to thank the Court for allowing us to have access to this mediator, who I think has done an extraordinarily noble job in bringing these parties together, and I think that the prime concern in this is, the benefit of this trial — I think that the agreement we are going to put on the record will benefit this child and ultimately prevent the damage that the trial would cause to the ongoing relationship between these parties, and the damage that it would cause the child. So, I wanted to state on the record my appreciation for the manner in which this part, this Court handles these situations.”

Does brown-nosing work in court? Was he for real? The judge continued to look at him with the same amused look, and gave all the credit to the mediator. He asked us to begin putting the terms on the record.

Again, the old man sitting beside my husband began to speak…

“We have a writing, which I will read …”

My lawyer cut him off.

“Your honor, my office wrote the agreement so I’d like to read it”

It’s worth noting that my husband’s lawyer’s ability to write a document was questionable at best. Not only had they never produced a legible email or contract, but they notoriously forged ours.

After a brief off-the-record discussion, it was determined that my lawyer would read the terms. The judge looked at my attorney and waited patiently for him to begin. Before my lawyer could take a breath, a familiar voice from the other side of the table began speaking…

“Now, of course, this is subject to the parties….”

The judge quickly interrupted him…

“You are still talking!”

At this point I let out an audible laugh, and had to cover my mouth. I looked around to see if everyone else was amused, but they all had a straight face.

My lawyer started in on the terms. He was interrupted at least once every minute and a half by his opponent, who was most times was quickly shut down by the judge. When we got to the section about medical care, the peanut gallery stayed quiet since the issue was hashed out earlier.

I saw my husband feverishly writing on a blank piece of paper. He shoved the paper in front of his lawyer’s face. After a brief glance in the direction of the chicken scratch, his lawyer ignored him.

“I don’t agree with this! I told you I don’t agree with this!”, my husband hissed.

Was this really possible? My husband was starting an argument with his lawyer on the bench in front of the judge. After a few minutes of arguing the language was left nebulous and we moved on.

Everything went relatively smoothly until we got to the provision about what happens when one parent goes out of town. My husband wanted to add language to the agreement that said that if one parent couldn’t be with my daughter for the night, the other parent would get the right of first refusal to take her. That actually seemed fair to me. Until I realized that my husband wanted it to be a one way agreement. When I leave town he gets my daughter, but when he leaves town he does whatever he wants. Everyone, including his lawyer, silently rolled their eyes.

“Sorry, could we have a recess for five minutes where councel can talk to his client and finalize this?”

My lawyer was trying to get this done. He wanted my husbands lawyer to take him outside and bring him to his senses since it was clear he was losing it.

All of a sudden a new voice chirped up from the other side of the bench. It was my husband…

“I would like to see something in writing before we can agree to anything. I think that’s fair. I think there is a lot of back and forth. I am losing control or perspective what is agreed to, what’s not agreed to.”

Losing control was right.

Everyone ignored him. After more deliberation my husband was taken out of the courtroom for a brief recess, and was brought back with a “new point of view”. He was now ok with the overnight agreement being both ways.

At that point we were basically done. An agreement that allowed for 50% time with my daughter and joint decision making refereed by experts was officially on the record.

“So, the agreement that was just placed on the record was more than just agreement to agree. That is the default agreement in the event you don’t enter into a subsequent written agreement?”, the judge inquired.

“Yes”, the two attorneys answered almost in unison.

It was official. There was not going to be a trial. We managed to settle.

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