After the temporary order came out I quickly spiraled into a dark place. I could not eat, I could barely sleep, and every time I got up to walk I felt like my legs were going to give out.

Prior to the order I was convinced that the decision was going to be reflective of what the judge said in court, and had no doubt that I was getting my daughter back at least half time. The fact that I was still going to barely see her was a shock to they system to say the least. The tears did not stop rolling down my face until the sun came up the next morning.

My friends were amazing. They took shifts. No one left me alone for longer than an hour. My friend Brooke was at my apartment at 7am the next morning as I got out of bed and poured myself a glass of champagne.

“This too shall pass”, she told me. “Your daughter is going to grow up and understand what her father has done. Kids always understand.”

But I didn’t want her to have to understand. I dreaded her realizing that her father is not the person she thought he was, and I loathed him for depriving our child from the kind of love and support she deserved. I also didn’t understand how and when this would pass? Was my child getting taken away from me? If the judge gave him full decision making now, would the crazy decisions continue? Was I actually going to lose??

I lost faith. I lost confidence in the American justice system. I didn’t understand why my parents brought me to this horrible country where children get taken away from innocent mothers. Waves of realization of how misogynistic the world still was rolled over me. I had never felt so powerless as a woman. I could not believe that in 2019 we were still in a place where high powered men inflicted their conservative views on women and their children.

As my next friend, Zara, walked with me through Central Park on the following afternoon we discussed the future.

“It doesn’t matter what the court says. Once she starts to understand what happened, she’s not going to want anything to do with him. She will only want to be with you”

I still couldn’t fully feel my legs under me and the possibility of waiting until she “understands” (or worse, until she is 18) to get her back made me want to drop down on the cement. I had no idea how I was going to get through this and go on with life.

The next few days were a blur. I barely slept, I dropped about 5 lbs, and I reached out to anyone I could think of for support. I wondered if I should go to the doctor and get a pill just to make the pain go away.

By Monday (5 days after the order) I had reached my limit. The stress my body was going through was too much to bear and something needed to change. I kept hearing the resounding words that one friend had instilled in me…

“You have to fight till the last breath! I don’t want to hear defeat in you!”

And slowly I somehow crawled my way back up on the saddle. I used the Eastern philosophy resources that had cushioned me with the strength I needed when my mother passed away from cancer 3 years ago. I affirmed that:

1. I need to accept everything that comes in life. Resistance is what creates disease. Eventually it will work out somehow. It has to.
2. Stressing over a problem has never solved it.
3. There is an ego and there is the real me. The real me can watch the thoughts my ego creates without judgement. The real me will notice how destructive and unnecessary my thoughts are
4. Obstacles are detours to the right direction.
5. We are born, a bunch of stuff happens, and then we die. It’s better not to take everything so seriously.
6. More people than we think have to go through something really tough – disease, death, addiction. Despite everything that has happened I was still in a better position than many of those people.
7. I am generally peaceful inside. This outside situation has temporarily threatened my happiness. Once it’s over I will go back to status quo. He will always be miserable.
8. I need to stay strong for my daughter. I need to stay healthy. I cannot give up.

In the meantime my lawyers were mulling over an appeal. They were more shocked by the decision than I was and felt this case needed to be shaken up. They would take the weekend to do research and come up with a final recommendation for next steps by Tuesday.

Since I was sure I was losing my mind by this point I took a friend to my lawyers office on Tuesday to discuss our game plan.

“At this point an appeal doesn’t make sense. We don’t necessarily have enough evidence to appeal, it’s extremely expensive, and it’s going to push the trial date way out.”

I also knew that if we appealed I would have to remain under supervised visitation, and would get to see my daughter even less than under the direction of the order. I was relieved.

Through our visit with my lawyer we slowly learned that the decision was not a result of me being a guilty party, but instead a product of a lazy court system that values following a process more than making the “right” decision. The spotlight was on me right now, but through trial the light would be shined on my husband. All his lies, bullying, and sadistic traits would come out in the hearing. In the meantime the court just wanted to get rid of us so we wouldn’t bother them until the first day of trial.

I wasn’t sure if I fully believed all of this, but I decided I had no choice. I had to stay positive. I tried to remember that one way or the other I would get my daughter back.

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