April 24, 2019. Almost a year since my daughter had been legally kidnapped by her father. I was at the brink of getting the temporary custody order that would give me my daughter back unsupervised half the time.

Although I knew the nightmare was almost over, I was still extremely emotional at the thought of the unknown. The last court appearance where the judge had stated that he would give me 50% custody was on March 13, and I was not sure how much longer the court would delay the temporary order that was supposed to precede. Given that the forensic report was delayed 4 months, my outlook was not optimistic.

On this Wednesday I had a 3 hour supervised visit with my daughter. I was not seeing her nearly enough (only twice a week) and I cherished every moment. I could not wait to pick her up and hold her. She was equally happy to see me and shrieked from happiness as she ran into my arms. We walked home hand in hand and settled into our usual Wednesday routine of dinner, cartoons, and play.

About an hour later I received a text from my lawyer’s office.

“We got the temporary custody order. Please make sure you are in complete privacy when we talk”

A feeling of dread began to loom over me. This did not sound positive. I left my daughter on the couch and went into her bedroom and closed the door. I called my lawyer.

“We got the order and we are not happy at all. We are very disappointed”

A wave of nausea came over me. My heart started beating fast. I wondered if it was a dream.

“You will get supervision lifted, but decision making fully goes to your husband and you will have to see a forensic of his choice in order for the supervision lift to go into effect.”

The tears started welling up.

“After a 4 week build up you will see her Monday for the night, Thursday after school, and every other Saturday morning through Sunday night”

The shock I felt was indescribable. The order was pretty much opposite of what the judge said he would order in the court appearance. They did not follow our proposed order at all and it was a big waste of time. My child was basically getting taken away from me and she could come visit once in a while.

I dropped to the floor. I started crying uncontrollably.

“Mommy, mommy!”

My daughter was looking for me. After a few short moments she came into her room and found me sitting on the floor sobbing.

“Mommy?”

I had to pull myself together. “Kitten, mommy is sad because I miss you soooo much and I just want you to come home. Sometimes grown-ups get sad too.”

She hugged me. She knew. She wrapped her little hands around my neck for what must have been a full minute and did not let go. I asked her to go get the nanny. My nanny ran into the room in a panic.

“What happened??”

I told her everything. I told her we wouldn’t be getting my daughter back. The order was horrible. She hugged me too, and we all hugged together.

The rest of the evening with my daughter was a blur, but my nanny stayed late to help me bring my daughter back to her father since I wasn’t sure if I could stand. The shock and pain were indescribable. Was it really possible that this was happening in the United States? Wasn’t this the land of innocent until proven guilty? Being the product of an immigrant family I had always felt like I lived in the best country in the world, and nothing could go wrong here unless I mess it up myself. I was sadly mistaken.

The next few days were reminiscent of the first few days after the beginning or this nightmare. I was in disbelief, friends came and stayed with me, I sat on my couch, I drank wine. I tried to go outside for a walk just to see the sun, but I felt like my legs were going to give out from under me. I couldn’t grasp that this was not going to end. I was outraged that our court system could care so little and that they would take an innocent little girl from her mother.

But I knew I had to keep going and I had to keep fighting. My daughter needed one normal parent and I owed it to her to not break down.

My acupuncturist told me once that no matter what happens you have to keep going even if you are moving at the slowest pace possible. And so I kept crawling… because I had no choice.

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