I never dreamed that this nightmare would drag through my daughter’s 5th birthday. I was sure I would get to celebrate with her and plan a party for all her friends. But, March came and went and I was still seeing my daughter only twice a week with a supervisor present. Her early April birthday was quickly closing in.

During our last court appearance the judge ruled that I should no longer have supervision pending a temporary custody agreement, and my husband was clearly panicked. It seemed as though he was feverishly trying to create a plan B.

I received an email from him mid-March regarding a joint birthday party…

Paulina, 

Nicoletta has asked to have a gymnastics party with her friends for her birthday this year.  

Columbus Gym, between 89 and 90th St seems like a good fit.  The dates for consideration are either Sun March 31 or Sun April 7.

Please let me know if you agree with these options or if you would like to suggest other options.

Columbus Gym on the Upper West Side of Manhattan??? People have made movies and written books about how over-privileged parents throw their toddlers insane birthday parties in Manhattan for ridiculous amounts of money. This was one of those places.

I replied to him asking how he could possibly afford to throw my daughter a 4 figure birthday party if he could not afford to pay for his 60% share of supervision, the forensic, and her school? I let him know that in my opinion her primary needs of seeing her mother and going to school are more important than a birthday party, and demanded to know how he was paying for this?

His reply…

So…is that a “NO” to Columbus Gym? If so, would you like to suggest an alternative for her birthday party?

I’m not sure why I was surprised, but he really had the balls to ignore my concerns and pretend I simply didn’t like Columbus Gym. Another email came…

Paulina, 
Seeing as Nicoletta’s Birthday is only a month out and it seems you would not prefer to have a party for her and her friends at a party place, I will gladly have the party at my house.  There is room for everyone, including extended family.
Sunday March 31st at 12 noon seems to be the ideal date and time.
I would like to send out invitations in the next few days to give everyone ample advance notice.
Can you please send me a list of children, outside of her classmates, you would like to invite?

My reply…

I do not consent to you having a birthday party for Nicoletta at your house. Nor do I consent you sending out invitations to Nicoletta’s friends. Since you are not addressing any of my concerns in the previous email I sent you, it makes the most sense for us to discuss Nicoletta’s birthday party during our court appearance next week. Moreover, the same concerns still stand for a birthday party that you are throwing at your house – the money you will spend of food, cake, and decorations should be prioritized toward Nicoletta’s basic needs such as school tuition, CFS, and Dr Kaplan.

Unsurprisingly, nothing was addressed. An email came from his counsel a week later stating that he would be having her birthday party at his house and it does not make sense for me to attend. He sent invitations to her friends from school and invited his family. In the meantime, he went to her school’s principal and told her that I was the one throwing the birthday party for her and he was not invited.

Another missed milestone with my daughter. Another day that I would have to spend distracting myself and telling myself everything was going to work out. Another display of my flailing strength. I was exhausted. I wondered if she was going to miss me being there with her to celebrate? I worried that she thought I didn’t want to come. Or was she intuitive enough to understand that I couldn’t be there?

In the meantime, we worked hard on the temporary custody agreement that we would have to get my husband to agree to. Although the agreement was not completely fair to me, it covered all the points the judge has touched on during our last court appearance – a gradual step up to 50/50 time, and me seeing a parenting consultant.

My husband violently opposed the agreement. He was in disagreement with the judge that I should be allowed to see my daughter without supervision and thought it would be imperative for a “mental health professional” to be the one to decide when to cease supervision. The “mental health professional” would be chosen by his lawyer. He was absolutely desperate to keep my daughter away from me even if it meant defying what the judge stated on the record. He also thought the agreement should state that I am no longer allowed to drink wine or have any decision making rights.

I was dealing with this slew of emails while anticipating my daughter’s birthday party, which I wasn’t allowed to attend. Needless to say, I had some extremely dark moments during this time. It was as if I was completely drained of strength and I could no longer go on. I desperately called my friends, drank wine, spent hours in the gym, and watched endless mindless YouTube videos.

Like every other day, the day of her birthday party passed and I survived. Once it was over the pressure was slightly relieved, and I went back to my everyday routine of trying to remember this will end someday and distracting myself from the hole in my heart. More Youtube, more wine, more friends.

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