I spent many days in complete and utter despair. I wondered if there was any feeling in this world worse than losing your only child. The pain was unbearable, and I often just cried and cried. I wondered if she was ok. I wondered if she missed me. During my darkest moments I wondered if he was going to kill her just to ruin my life. At this point I didn’t know what he was capable of. 

The one thing I knew is that I had to keep going and I had to fight. It was my responsibility to my child. Giving up wasn’t an option. I searched for ways to stay sane, and here is what I found:

• Reading books on how to cope with awful situations. My favorites were:
  1. Option B 
  2. Reflections on Silver River 
  3. When Things Fall Apart
• Keeping A LOT of friends
  • My friends have been an absolute godsend. My friend JJ came with me to the Emergency hearing and helped me with all things legal. After the Emergency Hearing I could not be alone and I could not sleep alone. My friend Zara came over and stayed with me and slept with me. My friends Lauren and Michael invited me to stay at their house the first weekend of this nightmare. My friends Solmaz and Brooke constantly either stayed with me or kept me on the phone. I could go on and on. The outpouring of support was indescribable. People that I did not even know cared showed me that they did. I felt extremely lucky. 
• Dating
  • I really had no interest in men or dating, but I forced myself. Once I did, the distraction was nice. I also realized pretty much any man was better than my husband, so it was only up from here. 
• Remembering how lucky I am
  • I am a healthy, professional woman who has the means to fight back. After hearing other alienated parent’s stories, I understood that I was the minority. It turns out that is very easy in this country to find a good lawyer and steal a kid. Especially if your spouse doesn’t have resources.
• Allowing myself to be sad
  • This is something I learned from Buddhism and it has been one of the most powerful things I grasped. The more you fight an emotion the harder it is to deal with it. I finally learned to give myself permission. I told myself, “I am going through a tough time, and it’s horrible, and it’s ok to be sad. I won’t be sad forever, but for now I am.” I’m not sure how, but this thought process made things more tolerable. 
• Not being alone
  • I used to love being by myself. There was nothing better than curling up on the couch with a good book or a re-run of Sex and the City, while no one else was in the house. I also used to love to travel alone and was perfectly happy going to a bar by myself. I realized that all of this was great for someone who is used to having a house full of people, but horrible for someone with a stolen child. Any time I was by myself I felt so lonely that it physically hurt. I couldn’t enjoy the ease of not having to deal with anyone because all I could think about was how incomplete I was without my child. I realized that I constantly needed distraction and the company of other humans. It was definitely not a replacement for my daughter, but at least it filled a small part of the emptiness I felt.
• Thinking about other tough things that people have overcome
  • My grandmother was in the Siege of Leningrad. The Germans surrounded Leningrad and nothing could get in or out until most people starved to death. The ones that didn’t die of starvation died in World War 2. My grandmother lost 1 husband and 2 babies and almost starved to death herself. She is now 100 years old and lives with me. If grandma got through the Siege, I could get through this.
• Stay active
  • Physical activity activates endorphins in the brain. Endorphins are feel good hormones. I was lucky since I have always worked out, so all I had to do was keep it up. If you have not been active, now is a good time to start.
• Give yourself a break
  • Now is not the time to start a new diet or start a new routine of waking up at 5am. The theme of life should be to pamper yourself as much as possible. Sleep late, drink champagne for breakfast, get a massage, eat cake. Do things that make you happy. That’s what I did.

This is what worked for me, but by no means a complete list. I opted not to go to therapy and not to take any medication. These things may work for other people. Do what works best for you.

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