I walked out of court in complete and utter shock. I was not allowed to go back to my apartment, and I was not allowed to see my own child. How is this possible? I made her, I grew her in my belly, I loved her, I did everything for her. I was a good mom. How can somebody just take her away? Is this real? The pain and disbelief was indescribable.

I sat on a bench outside the New York supreme court with my lawyer. “Paulina, I know you don’t see it now, but he is giving you a present. You will see in the end”. He was right. I didn’t believe it.

The only thing that kept me going was that there was another hearing in 2 weeks during which I was sure that this was all going to be over. It was absolutely impossible that the court would keep my child away from me based on a lie. But how was I ever going to get through the next 2 weeks? I was used to spending all of my time with my daughter.

The amount of stress I was feeling at this point was like nothing I had ever experienced. There was one point that I distinctly remember because it was the closest I had ever come to completely unraveling. I was in a cab on 9th Avenue stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and the events of the past day were swirling in my head. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t handle it. I ran out of the cab and started to walk down the sidewalk, but I couldn’t walk. I was sure that I was going to pass out. The feelings of doom and despair were indescribable. Only a mother who has had to deal with a lost or sick child would understand. I’m not really sure how I made it down 9th Avenue to the apartment that I was staying it. I honestly don’t even remember part of it. This was my first experience of living in survival mode. And with practice I got better and better at it.

At this point I had told a few friends what happened, one of them being my friend Lauren. When I got to my apartment I got a call from her inviting me to her parent’s beach house for the weekend. She knew I had to keep myself busy since I didn’t have my daughter, and she figured the beach would be the perfect distraction. I knew it was a good idea, but I wasn’t in any condition to get on a bus to go anywhere. There was just too much anxiety swirling in my body. 

So I took an Uber down the shore. It was the best decision I could have made for the first few days of my nightmare. Lauren’s family was absolutely wonderful and the love I felt in the household was the only thing that kept me sane during those first few days. I stood on the beach, looked at the ocean and remembered that the universe was vast. I drank wine with Lauren’s sister-in-law Gigi and we cried together and reminded each other that we are warriors. I talked on the phone to literally everyone I knew who I thought would care. I slept a lot. I reminded myself that my problem and I were just a small blip in this immense world. “I will somehow get through this”, I chanted to myself through my tears. Although there was nothing I could do to shake the nagging feeling that a piece of me was missing. It was like someone cut off my limb, attached it to themselves, and pretended that it was their own.

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